faith or fear

We just announced today that we are expecting another baby girl. Many know our journey and many don't. It's all on this little blog I started to tell others about Triploidy and share our story about Lexi. So start from the first post and read to follow along.

After Lexi, I knew I wanted another baby just wasn't sure if I could try it again. I had so much fear...the what if's consumed me. So I began to pray whatever the Lord wanted. He knew my heart and I just wanted what He wanted and I needed to trust Him. I prayed to have peace if He chose for us not to have anymore children and I prayed that if He did I was going to need peace for that too! One thing that really spoke to me was during the praying process, we went to church that Sunday and our worship band sang Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture. The lyrics include, "there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning". This was a song that really spoke to me throughout our journey with Lexi and has remained with me. There are a few others but this was one of my favorites. I really felt like the Lord was reassuring me that everything would be okay.

I chose then to let faith lead me not fear.

Now fear did set in when we became pregnant.

It was really hard for me to announce our pregnancy and I debated on whether to or not. I am already showing and have been for a few weeks but was able to hide it. Not so much anymore. I know when we were in the midst of our journey, it was so difficult to see others posting blessings of healthy babies. I questioned why I was't being blessed. I questioned why I had this happening. I prayed the Lord would help me to see past the pain and I realized everyone has a story. Somewhere in a person's life there is tragedy and sadness. I was only seeing a portion and the devil was wanting me to feel sorry for myself based on that. I had so many people reach out to me and share their stories of loss that I had no idea. So know we have had struggle, doubt, sadness, pain and my joy is finally here. I praise God for the struggle, I really do, I found Him in a way I have never seen and felt Him. I realize nothing is in my control.. and my life is His and so are my kids. That was my blessing during that time. I hope our story can be a blessing for others during their time of struggle.

Where are we today..

We are 17 weeks along and had a perfect ultrasound. She was beautiful. I honestly thought we were having a boy! I didn't care if we were having a boy or a girl as long as they were healthy. I was praying for complete health. I praise God for our new little blessing coming soon. This pregnancy wasn't without worry or fear. I have really had to pray. I have realized after losing a baby a few things. Don't beat yourself up for not planning for the future. As hard as I tried it was very difficult to plan for our future with our new baby. I found myself very early on saying, "if we have this baby." How awful does that sound. Also, it was hard for me to find joy for fear of losing my joy. I tried to get excited but would hold back. I didn't want to tell anyone because I feared we might lose our baby. I feel much better and breathed a sigh of relief at our last ultrasound and everything looked great. I know very well bad things can happen at any point in a pregnancy but I am claiming a healthy pregnancy and baby. I have found my joy in the morning.

I appreciate all prayers!!

battled

I can't believe it's almost been a year since posting anything to Lexi's site. While I have had things on my mind constantly, you know emotions run high from time to time. We haven't forgotten, like I said we never would. Her name still lingers on the lips of our little ones. They ask a lot of questions. Some, I will admit, seem so complex for their little minds to even think. So I try to answer with the best answer a grieving mom can. When sometimes I just want to cry and turn away instead I stay and answer very delicately. I choose my words wisely with the the constant thought that however I answer I want to be sure that I don't ruin their faith in God. I don't want them to doubt Him. I want them to know that even in the worse of times He is there. He is our rock and He only wants whats best for us even if we question. I questioned.

I had so many emotions during and after our journey with Lexi that I doubted God. My faith was shaken. I never thought that could happen to me. Over a year later and I still have to choke back tears remembering how defeated I felt. But I am here to say God fought for me and my doubt was defeated. I will explain...

When we first heard of news of Lexi, my emotions were on a high meaning I was so helpless all I knew I had in me was prayer. I drew so close to God. Honestly I know I have been close to Him, but I had never known that closeness. I felt Him with every prayer. Even though I held out hope I was prepared for losing her. I had a peace that only He can give. Believe me I want her now, miss her everyday and the thoughts of the whole situation haunt me. It was the worse time of my life. Then, a few months after we lost her I felt myself doubting God's promises. I felt guilty for my feelings because I knew He was disappointed in me for having those feelings. I was struggling. The devil was slowly allowing doubts creep in. It wasn't until a few months ago I had to let those feelings go and realize I wasn't being punished. He does love me. I still don't understand why and I honestly don't think I ever will. I know she was sick and I definitely wouldn't want her to suffer here. I hate that she had to be sick. I am healing. It seems like it was so long ago. We visit her often and I am so glad that we can do that.

I hope that if nothing else this little blog helps other that are in the process or that have lost their sweet babies. You do get better. It doesn't mean you forget because you never will. It means you slowly heal and find peace and happiness again. I am thankful for the journey.