faith or fear

We just announced today that we are expecting another baby girl. Many know our journey and many don't. It's all on this little blog I started to tell others about Triploidy and share our story about Lexi. So start from the first post and read to follow along.

After Lexi, I knew I wanted another baby just wasn't sure if I could try it again. I had so much fear...the what if's consumed me. So I began to pray whatever the Lord wanted. He knew my heart and I just wanted what He wanted and I needed to trust Him. I prayed to have peace if He chose for us not to have anymore children and I prayed that if He did I was going to need peace for that too! One thing that really spoke to me was during the praying process, we went to church that Sunday and our worship band sang Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture. The lyrics include, "there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning". This was a song that really spoke to me throughout our journey with Lexi and has remained with me. There are a few others but this was one of my favorites. I really felt like the Lord was reassuring me that everything would be okay.

I chose then to let faith lead me not fear.

Now fear did set in when we became pregnant.

It was really hard for me to announce our pregnancy and I debated on whether to or not. I am already showing and have been for a few weeks but was able to hide it. Not so much anymore. I know when we were in the midst of our journey, it was so difficult to see others posting blessings of healthy babies. I questioned why I was't being blessed. I questioned why I had this happening. I prayed the Lord would help me to see past the pain and I realized everyone has a story. Somewhere in a person's life there is tragedy and sadness. I was only seeing a portion and the devil was wanting me to feel sorry for myself based on that. I had so many people reach out to me and share their stories of loss that I had no idea. So know we have had struggle, doubt, sadness, pain and my joy is finally here. I praise God for the struggle, I really do, I found Him in a way I have never seen and felt Him. I realize nothing is in my control.. and my life is His and so are my kids. That was my blessing during that time. I hope our story can be a blessing for others during their time of struggle.

Where are we today..

We are 17 weeks along and had a perfect ultrasound. She was beautiful. I honestly thought we were having a boy! I didn't care if we were having a boy or a girl as long as they were healthy. I was praying for complete health. I praise God for our new little blessing coming soon. This pregnancy wasn't without worry or fear. I have really had to pray. I have realized after losing a baby a few things. Don't beat yourself up for not planning for the future. As hard as I tried it was very difficult to plan for our future with our new baby. I found myself very early on saying, "if we have this baby." How awful does that sound. Also, it was hard for me to find joy for fear of losing my joy. I tried to get excited but would hold back. I didn't want to tell anyone because I feared we might lose our baby. I feel much better and breathed a sigh of relief at our last ultrasound and everything looked great. I know very well bad things can happen at any point in a pregnancy but I am claiming a healthy pregnancy and baby. I have found my joy in the morning.

I appreciate all prayers!!

battled

I can't believe it's almost been a year since posting anything to Lexi's site. While I have had things on my mind constantly, you know emotions run high from time to time. We haven't forgotten, like I said we never would. Her name still lingers on the lips of our little ones. They ask a lot of questions. Some, I will admit, seem so complex for their little minds to even think. So I try to answer with the best answer a grieving mom can. When sometimes I just want to cry and turn away instead I stay and answer very delicately. I choose my words wisely with the the constant thought that however I answer I want to be sure that I don't ruin their faith in God. I don't want them to doubt Him. I want them to know that even in the worse of times He is there. He is our rock and He only wants whats best for us even if we question. I questioned.

I had so many emotions during and after our journey with Lexi that I doubted God. My faith was shaken. I never thought that could happen to me. Over a year later and I still have to choke back tears remembering how defeated I felt. But I am here to say God fought for me and my doubt was defeated. I will explain...

When we first heard of news of Lexi, my emotions were on a high meaning I was so helpless all I knew I had in me was prayer. I drew so close to God. Honestly I know I have been close to Him, but I had never known that closeness. I felt Him with every prayer. Even though I held out hope I was prepared for losing her. I had a peace that only He can give. Believe me I want her now, miss her everyday and the thoughts of the whole situation haunt me. It was the worse time of my life. Then, a few months after we lost her I felt myself doubting God's promises. I felt guilty for my feelings because I knew He was disappointed in me for having those feelings. I was struggling. The devil was slowly allowing doubts creep in. It wasn't until a few months ago I had to let those feelings go and realize I wasn't being punished. He does love me. I still don't understand why and I honestly don't think I ever will. I know she was sick and I definitely wouldn't want her to suffer here. I hate that she had to be sick. I am healing. It seems like it was so long ago. We visit her often and I am so glad that we can do that.

I hope that if nothing else this little blog helps other that are in the process or that have lost their sweet babies. You do get better. It doesn't mean you forget because you never will. It means you slowly heal and find peace and happiness again. I am thankful for the journey.

bittersweet

Lexi's headstone came in on my birthday, August 30. It was bittersweet. I was so excited to have it there and complete, but at the same time, it was a sign that everything was done, it was final.

So many want to know how I am doing so here goes...I have to say I don't expect anyone to fully understand. Nothing and I mean nothing has changed. We all miss Lexi. I can't even type those words without choking back tears. Every time I am up here ready to blog my emotions, I can't help but cry. Everything reminds me of when I was pregnant, everything reminds me of her. I looked in my calendar the other day and saw 29 weeks. Every Wednesday I was a week further along. I see previous texts from friends when we first found out that I am so glad I have, but brings so much emotion with it. I see pictures and video on my phone from the day we found out what we were having not knowing what were were about to introduced to minutes later, in the video you hear laughing, joy, talks about how she was moving and how great it was to be experiencing another sweet baby only to find out minutes later our worse fears. I was vacuuming Camden's room the other day thinking we would be preparing this room for Lexi. The boys already pretty much share a room so it was only logical to make it official once she arrived. So honestly it's the craziest little things. From the moment I found out I fell in love, making plans so it makes sense that so much reminds me of her and only more that I miss carrying her.

The kids still thank God for her during prayer. So thankful for them and their innocence. I break without any notice. Cry uncontrollably. I have to say when people ask, I say I'm doing great and I am except when it comes to missing Lexi.

I am dealing. I know most people say time heals but I don't know if time heals, I know God gives a peace, an understanding to help me accept our situation because I have no other choice. Do I want to accept it, not at all. I would choose to have her back in a second if I could. I still give God the glory, He makes no mistakes and I trust that.

So that's it... I am coping, but not at all healing. I am broken hearted because I will forever want Lexi.

4 weeks...raw emotion

These are a few images from the day we celebrated Lexi's life in Heaven, like I have mentioned, it wasn't anything big, but it was perfect for her.

I haven't wrote much because honestly it's so very hard still. Life is getting back to normal for everyone except me. While everything around me appears like I am moving on, I clearly am not. Emotionally it's hard every day. I think about her still, wanting her, missing her. There are days where I am busy with our other four that it's not until night when life stops moving that I find all those same emotions there...still. There are days I feel proud of myself for not crying and laughing instead. I think, "you're getting better." Only to be followed by a bad day when all the emotion seems to have been building when I was unaware. I hate to sound so down all the time, but truth is I am. I hate that this happened.

The feelings I feel now.... I feel like in the beginning we mourned her diagnosis for weeks then came to accept, to an extent what might happen. When that happened and we said goodbye and I felt at peace that she was with the Lord. Now almost 4 weeks past realization has set in. I am not pregnant, I am not carrying our little girl whom we named Lexi anymore, she doesn't exist with us, she will never, not at her due date in December, a date we were so excited about. It will come and go and honestly I will probably be the only one that will be aware of what day it is when it comes, everyone will be focused on Christmas. I don't blame them, it's life. I am her mother so it makes it completely different for me. It has hit me so different and hard this week. A new reality I guess. One that I have to accept and wish I didn't have to. So very blessed to have carried and known her.

no explanation but maybe...

I honestly have no explanation why our magnificent Lord allows certain things to happen in our lives. I was reading about a family that lost their sweet baby boy to Trisomy 13 recently and I thought I wonder why the Lord would allow families to lose something more important to them than their own lives and the only thought that came to mind is how when babies or children are suffering so many strangers that have no connection with these families reach out with sympathy, prayers, love. Some find God through those tragedies. I read tonight how one woman turned her back on God when she lost her baby girl in January of this year. She said she hasn't prayed since that time even denied Him. I don't blame that woman because I know how high emotions get and how the devil can use the situation for his benefit. he did that to me, told me so many lies. She went on to say that reading about the baby boy with Trisomy 13 she reconnected with God. If it were not for the tragedies God uses, lives would not be changed, more souls are saved in His name through those tragedies.

I do rejoice in the fact that we are so joyful that we knew Lexi even if that meant letting her go. I often want to wallow in my own emotions but if I look at the bigger picture, what if God allowed this to happen for more souls to be brought to Him. If I could choose, I would choose to have her here with us, we miss her terribly. Her name is mentioned daily. Karis, our 3 yr. old mentioned the other day while cuddling in bed with me that she couldn't reach Lexi. I said, you can't reach her? She said, no, I can't fly, if I could fly I could reach her. As hard as it is to hear such sweet thoughts come from our three year old, it makes me happy to hear her express thoughts about Lexi. I praise God for Lexi and allowing us to be her family.

to honor Lexi

today makes a week since we buried our little girl. The days are getting better. I have been surrounded by peace the past few days, but that doesn't mean there aren't times where I just break down at the thought of everything we have been going through the past weeks. at times I don't want to heal because I feel like it means forgetting Lexi. It's a lie, I know I am being told. We will never forget. She was amazing the time I knew her.

So today makes a day since the funeral. A week ago we were meeting the funeral director at the cemetery to pick out a plot for our daughter, picked out a marker, casket....things I never thought we would have to do, never hoped we would have to do. We did it for Lexi not for us. I wanted to give her the best. So we picked a beautiful area of the cemetery near crepe myrtle trees. The following day her funeral was scheduled at 10:00am. I was looking forward to being near her again my heart aching at the thought of having to leave her at the cemetery. It seems like so long ago. Special verses that helped get us through the past weeks were read by my father-in-law her papa, followed by prayer, her sisters and brothers placing pink roses on her beautifully adorned casket. It was draped in pastel baby pink roses with baby's breath we bought for her, a pink teddy bear from her siblings, pink flowers from my mom and dad and a beautiful bouquet of flowers from some sweet friends that are more like family to us. Everything was perfect just the was we had planned for her. It was her day, a way to honor her.

At the end we had picked up about 40 pink balloons and released them in honor of Lexi. It was absolutely beautiful. Tears flowed as all of the balloons drifted to the skies out of sight. The all stayed together and slowly became little dots until we couldn't see them any longer. It truly was exactly what we wanted for Lexi. We now have a place to visit her anytime we want. I know she isn't there in spirit, but it does make me feel better to have her there.

Like I said, the days are getting better. I am slowly getting back to myself, finding peace and happiness. I can't begin to thank everyone for the cards, prayers, emails, texts. So thankful for friends and family and most of all the Lord for a peace that only He can deliver and Has. Praise be to Him!

Lexi.....her birth story

I thought I would go ahead and share Lexi's birth story so that I can forever remember the day that changed us as a family.

We were scheduled to see the doctor weekly due to the fact when carrying a triploidy baby the mother's health is at risk because of the possibility of preeclampsia setting in because of problems with the placenta. We were scheduled to see the doctor on Friday, August 2 at 2:15. That morning I was cleaning like a crazy woman almost as though I knew we were going to have a baby. It seems I do that with all of our kids. I just know the night prior I was super cold, I am always super hot when pregnant. I know that sounds crazy but the thought had crossed my mind that Lexi had passed. I wasn't sure but the following day, I packed the kids suitcases and ours as if I was in labor going in to have Lexi. I feel like the Lord was preparing us. I had everything ready.

My mom met us at the doctor to pick up the kids and watch them for us. We went in and waited to be seen. My vitals were checked then we were lead in the room and waited for the nurse to come in to check Lexi's heartbeat just like the week before. She moved the doppler around and around waiting and thinking from time to time that she might have heard Lexi's heartbeat, but wasn't sure. I heard nothing but the swooshing of the womb. I was sure our Lexi was already in the arms of Jesus. She left the room to get a permission form to do an ultrasound to check on Lexi's heartbeat to be sure. When she left I looked at Stevie and told him I knew Lexi was gone. He held me and said we weren't sure to wait for the ultrasound. We walked into the ultrasound which seems a blur now. She started looking around, I looked over to the machine and saw our Lexi as still and peaceful as could be. I knew. She looked for a bit then told us she wasn't seeing a heartbeat. I asked her to just let me see Lexi for a while. I stared at our little Lexi on the same screen that just a few weeks before we saw what we thought was a healthy baby girl moving all around. I cried on that table as part of me was gone with Lexi. I wanted so bad to believe Lexi would be healed but also knew what we were told. So I had prepared myself during these few weeks. I would have carried Lexi for as long as the Lord allowed me just to have her still with me. I know no one might understand that and that's okay. I miss her terribly. I miss knowing she was inside of me safe.

After we met with the doctor who told us we could go home and get things prepared of we needed to. I was already prepared. I wanted to go ahead and have Lexi so that it might be easier on our little ones at home. I knew the longer we were away from them there would be more questions. So they prepared everything at the hospital and we went over to be admitted at about 4:00. As soon as we walked in the delivery room I broke down. Every time we walked into a delivery room in past years it was pure joy because we knew we were having our sweet baby to bring home. This time was so different and awful. We knew we wouldn't be bringing Lexi home. So we were situated in our room and waited on the doctor. He came in about 8:00 to give me my first dose of meds to begin contractions. There wasn't an iv for me only a catheter type needle in my hand in case anything went wrong. No one told me what to expect so I had a lot of questions. The meds were inserted into the cervix to start contractions and every 6 hours another dose would be administered. So in the beginning there were 3 pills then the second dose would be 4 pills, every dose was increased by 1 pill. The doctor had previously told us that we should deliver between 8 and 12 Saturday morning. They were very surprised when the second dose wasn't working. I ended up having 3 doses and only an hour before the 4th dose when we delivered. The nurse gave me ambien to help me sleep. I woke up at about 5:30 Saturday morning with severe contractions and thought it wouldn't be long. I then called the nurse to find the doctor because he was suppose to have come in at 3:00am to give me my second dose of medication but didn't. He then came about 5:45am to insert the 2nd dose. We didn't have to have a contraction belt on, but we told them I would like to see what the contractions were doing so they put one on me. We also didn't have to have a fetal heart monitor on me because in the nurse's words, "there wasn't a reason". I knew this but it was so hard to hear. For a while the contractions were hard then tapered off later which was so frustrating.

It was a long day and a long labor. I had wanted an epidural prior to even going into the hospital thinking I didn't want to be physically in pain and emotionally. Once we talked with the doctor I decided not to have an epidural only because he seemed to think it would go fast since I had already given birth to 4 other children. I guess he was wrong.

While I was laboring all day we had Stevie's parents, my parents, and a few close friends there with us. I am so thankful that we had them, they honestly kept the spirit up and my mind off of what was going on. I was contracting all day and by that afternoon was physically and emotionally drained. I was ready to be done. I was ready to meet Lexi.

The contractions started to get stronger and harder around 3:00pm. I asked for meds to be administered to ease the contractions. She came in to give me Stadol. I had that with our first child and it didn't seem to have the same affect as it did this time around. She started administering it through iv and wasn't even half way through and I was so loopy uncontrollable laughing. They tell me even the nurse had to look away because I was obviously hilarious. I know when she started pushing it through the iv, it started burning terribly so she had to flush the iv and administer the stadol little by little. I don't remember much after that. I know I was in and out of sleep. She was to administer more in 2 hours. Let's just say it didn't have the same affect the second time as the first. I know I got extremely hot after each dose of Stadol. People had to fan me. I wish I could remember more, maybe not after the way they say I acted.

Around 6:00pm the contractions were coming hard and I knew something was happening. The doctor came in to check me, he said it should be about 30 minutes and all I could think was 30 minutes with this pain. It was probably a few minutes later that I told the nurse it was time. So the doctor was waiting right around the corner. He came in checked me, I pushed and there was Lexi. I didn't have to dilate to 10 cm only to about 6. I prayed before I delivered her that everything would come out all together because that would cut down on the chance that any of the placenta would be left. That would mean no chance of a D & C. That would also mean there would likely be no chance for the cancer that is associated with Triploidy placenta to appear. Not sure if I mentioned that in any previous posts, but there is a cancer that can appear after delivery so they have to monitor my HCG numbers for a while. That will help them determine that everything is back to normal.

Lexi came into this world at 7:05 weighing only 5.5 ounces and 8 inches long. She was still inside the comfort of the uterus and the placenta was still attached. It was truly an amazing sight to see. Her little hands and feet were so easily visible inside. The doctor broke my water right in front of our eyes and there she was. The most beautiful sight and so much love. We were honestly happy to see her there were no tears. The doctor started talking about Lexi and certain things about her that showed signs of Triploidy. She looked perfect to us and we otherwise wouldn't have known any of the signs if they weren't pointed out to us. As soon as the doctor broke the water sac, Stevie, the doctor and I saw that Lexi had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck 3 times. It was so tight that it left rings around her tiny fragile neck. He said this was what she likely died from instead of the Triploidy. Triploidy would have eventually claimed her life, but not sure when. This was extremely hard for me afterward to comprehend why? Why Lord did you allow that to happen to Lexi when she was already sick and we prayed so hard. I felt like our Lexi had been through so much already. It was awful for me to come to terms with.

I have mentioned before I will not ever know why, but I have to trust Him, that's all I have from this. Him. A deeper understanding of life and how precious it is. No one knows until you experience something like this how precious life is. You can fear life or you can cherish it. There are days I fear it. I know we are not immune to tragedy now. It's scary, but I know who holds life and I totally trust Him. He knows how much I wanted Lexi.

We spent the next several hours looking at our sweet Lexi and trying to take in all of her features as not to forget. I was scared to touch her because she was so fragile. I put her little hand in mine just to hold because I knew it would only last for a while. I then dosed off due to a medication they gave me right before her birth, I don't know the name, just recall them saying it was more powerful than morphine. I handed her to Stevie and dosed off. When I woke up, I saw him still staring at her little body taking it all in. He told me he didn't want to forget her features.

I thought the hardest thing we would be facing was delivering her, it wasn't, it was having to leave her at the hospital and come home without her.


Sorry if this is too much information but I hope this helps with other families that may not know what to expect like us. I know every situation is different but maybe ours will help others find some comfort.

a week

well at 7:05 this evening made a week since I gave birth and our eyes were filled with the site of Lexi and our hearts filled with so much love all over again. We were in love from the moment we found out we were expecting again and even more in love when we finally were able to meet Lexi. I know she was only 5.5 ounces, but I could see her features so beautifully, ears, eyes, mouth, which even at 21 weeks her mouth looked like our other children. Today was good, I made sure to keep busy outside of the house. I find it especially hard to be at home when nothing is going on. That's when my mind seems to go back to the beginning of Lexi's diagnosis.

Tonight wasn't so good. Once home and settled with the kiddos, my mind began to go back...to the diagnosis, the labor, seeing Lexi for the first time, not hearing her sweet cry, hearing nothing, leaving the hospital without her, empty handed, arriving home without her, her funeral, so many thoughts...I began to question for the first time. I feel so weak, so unfaithful, so undeserving. I know God is just, He is perfect, His plan is perfect and our lives are not at this moment. Yes we have so much to be thankful for and we are. I am just having a hard time without Lexi here. I feel like she should be here and a week old. I wanted so bad to be able to caress her face in the middle of the night, to sing to her, just to know she knew my voice. These things haunt me. I know days will get better. They already have. I feel guilty for having a good day. I know Lexi would want us to have good days. She is happy I know without a doubt. I am thinking selfish thoughts as a mother. I want her, period.


I cannot believe it's been a week. Please pray peace for me and us as a family. God has given me peaceful days and I look forward to more.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

where to begin

Saturday, August 3, 2013, I gave birth at 21 weeks to our beautiful Lexi. I will share her birth story sooner than later only because I don't want to forget a single second of it.

I thought giving birth to her would be the hardest part and while that was long and hard, we had a wonderful support group of friends and family there to keep our minds busy the whole day. Leaving the hospital was by far the hardest and saddest time of my life. We left without Lexi. It tears me apart thinking about it, even to mention it.

When we saw Lexi for the first time I honestly was so happy to see her. Finally able to see this precious little face that every mother longs to see but has to wait until it's time. She was everything in that moment, perfect in every way. We wanted to take in all of her features. I could go on and on about how perfect she looked. She didn't look sick. She looked like our Lexi. Our lives will never be the same, but we will heal. Lexi will never be forgotten, she is our 5th child, our daughter, the kids sister. We have 2 boys and 3 girls. Not everyone will know that I know. They will only see 2 boys and 2 girls.

We have been busy everyday since, during the down times is when it's the hardest. When I sit and think I don't know what color her eyes were, hair color, personality and I had to leave the hospital empty handed. These are the hardest.

I still don't understand why this happened. I don't know that I ever will. I do know we love Lexi with all of our hearts, we already miss her tremendously. The only ones to ever really know how I feel are Stevie and God. God knows my heart and has heard my cry, believe me. Stevie knows me.

I thank God for the kids childlike faith and their simple thoughts. They know Lexi as their sister that is now in heaven. She is loved.

no greater love

how can He have a greater love for her than me? That's not meant to be sarcastic in any way. I know how much love we have for her without even meeting her, but yet He as chosen a different path than we want and loves her way more than I ever could. hard to believe. Saying that doesn't mean we have given up hope, although I am preparing myself for the outcome the doctors have predicted. If God grants us a miracle as I know He can, then oh how amazed and happy we will be. I am hopeful for that. I want to be prepared for both.

Everyday I have new questions that may never get answered. Every night I fall asleep only to turn over and wake thinking about Lexi. Before when I turned over I thought I wonder what she is doing as I roll from one side to the next. Now I wake to the doctors words playing over and over in my head. I know God works miracles and the fact that I am still carrying her this long is one in itself. With Triploidy not to be mistaken with Trisomy, I know the outcome, but I know my God is bigger than Triploidy, bigger than the doctors. Do I still cry at the possible outcome, yes. My heart breaks every second of the day. I feel so weak, so unfaithful, so unbelieving. I keep thinking wow, wouldn't it be amazing if Lexi made it to term and survives longer than minutes, hours, days, months. The doctors would have no words and God's plan would be revealed, they didn't know everything. I wouldn't even struggle in the least thinking the amnio results were mistaken. I would believe the diagnosis was there but my God chose to heal. But the reality of it is with Triploidy, babies do not make it, as in the doctor's words, it's incompatible with life.

I also know my health is at risk but yet that's not on my mind at all. Yes, I have to be monitored weekly until we deliver and I want to be sure I am safe for my 4 other babies. we'll take it week by week. My concern is Lexi. I want so badly to hold her when she is born whole and precious. Isn't that what all mothers want from the moment we find out we are expecting just to touch that sweet baby that God formed inside of us for the first time. It's the best. I constantly think about holding her with her little head against my chest late at night while she sleeps like I did with the others, how I long to have time like that with her. Maybe we will have time with her, a lot of time, I don't know, only God knows. Only He knows the plan and we have to accept it. I know without a doubt He loves us and only wants what is best for us.

I will say through all of this I have never felt closer to my Savior and I would have never realized it until this. Isn't that strange. I have always had a close relationship with Him from the first day I was saved, but nothing like this. I see Him in a different way. I am totally vulnerable to Him. We are His in every sense. I guess I knew that to an extent but not like this. I don't even know if I am making sense. It's funny how we seem to never have the right amount of time to spend with Him, but when something comes and we need answers, help, deliverance, we find every second possible to pray to Him throughout the day. That's where I find myself. I don't want to get so busy I lose this precious time I have come to know with Him. I seriously want to see life through His eyes.

blessed

So the past few days have been pretty good. There are things around the house to remind me when I am busy of what the circumstances may be. Whether it's Lexi's ultrasound pictures hanging on the refrigerator or tons of handouts we have been given on her conditions. Her ultrasound looks so perfect in every way. It's so hard to look at those and think she has conditions to threaten her life. Her picture really looks like all our other children's ultrasounds. You know the profile picture they usually try to capture. We continue to have faith. Believe it or not when I come across people that know our story and stop to give me encouragement I haven't cried the past couple of times. I really am trying to have joy with her as long as I can and God has given me peace to do that.

On July 27th in the middle of the night I felt Lexi for the first time really kick. Not a butterfly touch, but a real jolt. It was truly a wonderful feeling. I haven't been sleeping that much at night, it's a very broken sleep. So to be able to feel that when no one else was awake in the midst of the night when my thoughts are usually on what might be based on her diagnosis, well it was emotional to say the least. The next morning, Sunday, July 28th, I was laying in bed still trying to wake up and get myself ready for church. I was so exhausted, Lexi kicked again. I rolled to my back and put both hands on my stomach to try to feel her kick with my hands. I wanted so much to feel that little jolt with my hands. After just a second I felt her little kick. I was surprised to feel anything from Lexi only because from the articles or blogs I have read on Triploidy children, the parents typically didn't feel them often if at all. I am currently almost 21 weeks, but she is measuring 2 weeks behind so I really hadn't anticipated feeling her anytime soon if at all. I felt our 3 yr. old at 21 weeks pregnant. I called Stevie in there to see if he could possibly feel her, I wanted him to be able to feel her so badly, but that was it. Here's hoping to more little kicks from our sweet Lexi.

There are so many things that make you think maybe the doctors are completely wrong about our Lexi. Perfect looking ultrasound, hearing her heartbeat again, and feeling her kick are all things that make us hopeful. I do know what the amnio results are, I am not in denial, just keeping our faith that God can and will heal her. I pray that at our next ultrasound that they are baffled at what God has done. No matter the outcome, I hope to keep telling His story on our little Lexi's life. We are blessed!

Thank you for your prayers!

a new day

Yesterday, I woke up feeling so different than I have been feeling since we received the news about Lexi over a week ago. Still can't believe it's all happening. Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry once. I felt like Lexi would be okay. Does that mean I believe I will carry her to term and she be what we expect, not sure of anything. I do know if that happens, oh wow, how wonderful that would be, but the peace I felt was what ever the outcome Lexi will be okay, we will be okay as a family. It's hard for me to express certain feelings right now because I do want to hold on to our faith that she can be healed, but at the same time I know what the doctors say about Triploidy. I haven't been sleeping well at night, last night was the first night I was able to sleep. On Wednesday, I was able to nap during the day from 11:30 until 4 in the afternoon. I had no problems falling asleep that night at 10:00. I forget that with the news of her condition I am still 20 weeks pregnant and Lexi is still growing inside.

I am not sure if I mentioned much about the Dandy Walker syndrome only because that was her first diagnosis before the amniocentesis and it seems like even my thoughts have been overshadowed by the Triploidy diagnosis. I know I talked about her condition with fluid but not the outcome as far as delivery for us. I have to be monitored by ultrasound to make sure she isn't developing hydrocephaly. That's where the fluid continues to build on her brain causing her skull to expand in the womb. The fluid can continue to build because there is no way for it to recycle like in a normal brain since she has cyst like area by the 4th ventricle. They can't tell by ultrasound if there is any filtering a little or none. If that happens to a certain extent then I will have to have a c-section because Lexi's head will be too big to deliver. That terrifies me. Before I had kids I would have hoped for a c-section, not knowing how complicated those could get, I was just afraid of delivering a baby. Now that I have delivered all of our little ones the thought of a c-section scares me. I guess the unknown and unfamiliarity of it all. I know both are delivering your child just different ways. We will just have to see which way things go. Please keep us in your prayers about that. I am also terrified that I may have a doctor that doesn't know the full extent of our situation. I know they talk and read our charts, but the fear is still there. I guess because when I went to the doctor to hear Lexi's heartbeat nothing was really mentioned about Dandy Walker and the affects that could have on our delivery. The only thing written on my chart for diagnosis when I was leaving was Triploidy. So I have to be sure when I go back next week that is discussed.

There are so many things to discuss, seems like I think of something new each day. While the doctors are planning for a stillbirth or a baby that will not last long once born, I am thinking okay what if she is born for days or longer despite the diagnosis. They are thinking a shunt placed in her brain to relieve pressure isn't something we need to do because she will not make it anyway. I am thinking if she needs a shunt, go ahead and do it regardless of how long she has. It might help prolong her life and I will do anything even if it's for an extra second. I probably sound like I am rambling in most of these posts, but that's how my thoughts seem, a lot of ramblings. Thank you for your prayers.

the little things

Throughout this journey so far, God has shown himself. Not that He has to, but He does. We had another doctors appointment this afternoon to check my blood pressure, etc. They are basically checking me every week to make sure I don't develop preeclampsia which is common when carrying a baby with Triploidy. They are also checking to see if Lexi's heart is still beating, if we go in and they cannot find a heartbeat then they will induce. As long as we hear that sweet little heartbeat I will continue to carry her. When we went in today, I honestly had tried to prepare myself just in case we didn't hear her heartbeat. After just a second there it was, I cried and cried because I thought there's my Lexi, she is still fighting. It was a strong 156. We are so thankful to have her a little longer. Don't get me wrong I am holding out faith that we will have her here forever. We know that's God's choice and His plan.

Then on the way to a session tonight, yes I had a session. When driving to meet my client God shared a rainbow. I took a picture of it to remind me that He is here.

I love photography and while I would love to stay in my bed under the covers in a dark room until we know what God has in store for us, well I have to try to get back to life. One of the hardest parts of this journey is when people see that I am expecting and are overjoyed for us and ask when we are due, you know all the normal questions. I have made up my mind to have joy in this pregnancy. Do I break down, yes, of course, do I have doubt, yes, do I get angry, yes. I want to have joy, so when people ask I choose joy. I tell people her due date, that we are having another sweet baby girl, and that we are so excited. We are blessed to know Lexi and God's love growing inside of me. I am thankful to so many people who have reached out to us and told their story or shared how they are praying for us and Lexi. I am so thankful.

where do you go

I found myself over the weekend cleaning the house and cleaning the car out. I stopped and thought these are things we do before our due date so we will have everything ready and perfect for when we bring our sweet baby home. Things are different with Lexi. I thought I was crazy, why am I doing this, for what?

Maybe there is a chance we might bring Lexi home. I don't know with all the results against us, we have God fighting for us. His plan, while I don't know what it is would love to believe that it's bringing Lexi home. I think about what our little Lexi would look like at our 3 year olds age, brown haired or blonde haired, feisty or calm in nature. Doesn't matter I know what I long for is her little arms around my neck just like my other 4 have done. In the first days after finding out her condition I would look at our other little ones and think why oh why can't her little heart and brain form perfectly. Then there's Triploidy so much more than that. There is not a moments peace.

I stare at the tiny little gown that we bought for her after we found out that she was a little girl. It hangs on my dresser right beside my bed where her bassinet was suppose to eventually be. I could of never imagined this for us, but this is where we are and how hard is it to believe. Everyday I feel like I am in a fog not part of the world. How crazy does that sound? It's so hard to be a part of it when I feel so emotionally drained and sad. I know it will get better with time. Labor, delivery, due date, birthday, those will be difficult. We are blessed to have a God that gave His Son for us, people that despised and hated His Son. I feel so unworthy to feel sad. I am so glad that we were chosen to be Lexi's parents, she was meant for us and we were meant for her. We are her family and she is our daughter. I think what's so hard to think about is how every parent brags on their children, when you get together with others it's so easy to talk hours about your children. I want so badly for everyone to know Lexi even more for her brothers and sisters to know her, to love her.

We love her more than she knows. Praying for healing.

continuing...

Amazing what little signs the Lord gives you in times like these. Everyday since finding out about Lexi there is not a moments peace. I think about it constantly from the moment she was first diagnosed with Dandy Walker syndrome to the moment we were told to prepare to go into labor anytime or if Lexi made it to term be prepared for a stillborn baby. I have played the voices of all the congratulations in my head. The kids asking for a sibling long before we decided to try again. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time. Seeing Lexi's sweet profile that is so perfect and thinking there's usually so many problems with children with Triploidy. She has no other problems. Her heart does have fluid, her brain has fluid, she has 69 chromosomes, while that sounds like a lot, usually there are so many other symptoms. The crying has ceased to a degree. I want to feel normal emotionally. Some people I know think I am crazy to want to carry her for as long as possible, but that's what I desire and until you have walked these shoes there's no way anyone would understand. We wait for another appointment this week to see if her heart still beats, if so we continue on this journey for as long as the Lord desires. If not, I will be induced unless I go into labor on my own before. So every week I anticipate what's going to happen. Emotions are high, still not as high as I know they will be when I am actively in labor knowing the outcome. Today while I was folding clothes our 3 year old finds her favorite outfit and puts it on, she was so excited it was clean. She reached in her pocket only to pull out a little white piece of paper that looked like it was washed time and time again but the writing remained. I took it from her to read. Here is the scripture, it was two sided.... "Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am." Isaiah 58:9 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth thee." Isaiah 26:3 I felt the Lord and cried with so much emotion and confusion. These verses gave me peace for today.

FISH results

On Monday evening my hubby and I decided to give our baby girl a name. We decided on Alexis Gray, we would call her Lexi. On Monday night I fell asleep on the couch only to wake up and feel like it was a nightmare. I went to bed crying and praying until the morning hours. I finally fell asleep. I was praying for peace. I begged for it. Tuesday, July 16, 2013, I went with my mom to buy a gown for Lexi that is something we have always done after finding out the gender of our baby. My husband thought it would be good for me to get out. I didn't want to be out, but wanted to buy Lexi a gown to try to have some normalcy. Wednesday, July 17, 2013, I woke up with peace. I felt somewhat like myself. We received a call from the genetics nurse and surprisingly I was okay. She went on to tell me that Lexi had Triple X. She said the FISH results showed Lexi had no Trisomy 13, 18, or 21, down syndrome, or mental retardation. I was relieved. I asked her once the other results came back would that change. She assured me that no those results wouldn't change. We had hope. We felt the worse we were dealing with was a Dandy Walker syndrome that could be possibly be born normal. At this point I just wanted Lexi no matter what we might have to deal with. We could do this. Thursday, July 18, 2013, I woke up in fear and doubt again. I was cleaning the kitchen and the song, This is the Day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it, popped in my head. I sang it to myself. That's a song we sing all the time with our kids to start our day off. I went to our bedroom to try to be normal and fold clothes only to be upset again. Our three year old came in singing that very song, This is the day. She hadn't heard me. I asked my husband if he was singing that with her and he said no. I felt like God was working through her to show me this is His day. No mistakes! We received a call about 10:00 am from the genetics counselor. She said they were disturbed by more of the results that came in and that the doctor wanted to see us as soon as possible to discuss what there finding meant. I asked her if she would tell me anything. She said that from their findings that children have 46 chromosomes and Lexi has 69. She has Triploidy. Triploidy means she has an extra set three extra sets of chromosomes 13, 18, 21, X, Y which is incompatible with life. WOW, what a difference from what we heard the day before. So we were anxious to meet the doctor. My husbands mother and father came and had the children spend the night so we could deal with what was to come. We met with the genetics counselor first. We were prepared to tell her from the beginning that we were not terminating our pregnancy. She respected our decision. After telling her of our faith and my daughter singing tears began to flow. I couldn't hold it together. I needed to hear God speak to me, to tell me it was okay. She told us she was a Christian. That was not what I expected, I honestly felt like they would be pushing for us to terminate. God moved again. We then went to the doctors consultation room to meet with him. This was the same doctor that did the amnio. His first words were I am so sorry. He was so very compassionate even though he delivers not so great news on occasion. So not only does Lexi have Dandy Walker she has Triploidy. He said with Triploidy babies usually miscarry in the first trimester. It's rare to carry longer. We are 19 weeks. He said he knew we are not terminating but he has to explain our choices by law. Since Lexi has made it this far either her heart will stop beating, I will miscarry between the 22 and 28th week of pregnancy. If I carry to term, which is highly unlikely that she will be stillborn or we will only have a few minutes to hours with her. He said this Triploidy is extremely rare. He's never seen a case where everything appeared to be normal with the results found. He said she has no spinal bifida which is a characteristic of Triploidy. Another characteristic is the fourth and pinky fingers are fused or the fourth finger is completely missing. This was not the case with her. The only abnormality was pericardial emulsion which is fluid around her heart other than the Dandy Walker. Her ultrasound looks normal. All fingers and toes are present. The placenta wasn't completely normal but nothing jumped out at him. Only until he saw the results of the amnio did he go back and study the placenta. Usually in Triploidy cases the placenta gets enlarged and starts to form clusters like grapes within it. He said mine has started to do that. Lexi's face is formed beautifully. There are some risks to me as well. There is a chance of preeclampsia which can cause all sorts of problems. They will monitor me closely every week to check blood pressure, placenta, and Lexi's heartbeat. That starts next week. So we wait to see if I go into labor or if her heart stops on it's own then I will be induced to deliver her. I want to be careful of my own health because of our 4 children, but I want Lexi for as long as I can have her even if that's safe in my womb. These are my hardest thoughts.

Lexi's diagnosis

This photo was one of our first when we found out we were expecting. I was 6 weeks.

Monday, July 15, 2013, we went in for a routine ultrasound and to find out what the gender of our baby was. At this point I am 18 weeks. Let me first say that for a few months I had been telling my husband that something just didn't feel right. Not sure what. I didn't mention this to any one else because honestly you want to believe for the best. I passed those feelings off but prior to our appointment, many times I thought about calling the doctor to see if my appointment could be moved up. I thought to myself if they were to ask why, well I was just worried. I guess I felt like they would think I was crazy when there were no signs of anything to be worried about. So I waited until the original date.

So on Monday the ultrasound technician called us back. I was immediately looking for the heartbeat. There it was so beautiful and precious. Beating away. We were able to hear it and it sounded just as beautiful as it looked. AS far as our family predictions, my 10, 7, and 5 year old were guessing boy, 3 yr. old and my husband and I were guessing girl. We decided girl only because few weeks prior I had started getting super emotional. Just like when I was expecting our third child, a girl. Just one of those things where there is no way to determine but for fun you go off of all your previous pregnancies to make a guess.

The baby was so bent like in half with her knee up to her head, the ultrasound tech kept saying the baby is so bent and won't move so we can see what the gender is. Finally after poking around we see those three little lines. The baby is a girl! We were overjoyed that another little girl would enter our family. We really didn't care boy or girl, we were just excited for another baby. I told my husband we were going to have three weddings to plan. whew, what a thought! The technician then said she was going to get the doctor and take a break to see if we could get better images of her. You know at this point in your pregnancy they check and measure everything, the heart, brain, cord, fingers, toes, everything. She came in with the doctor and proceeded to do the ultrasound again. A very eery quiet set in. I just stared at the screen looking at our sweet baby girl thinking this silence can't be good. I noticed they were focusing on her brain. The doctor broke the silence with the news that this is what I am seeing, your baby has what we call Dandy Walker syndrome. You guys reading the blog can search that or just go to the tab at the top of the page that describes this condition.

We were told that the severity of Dandy Walker just depends and we wouldn't know until she was born and we started to see certain delays. Pretty much she could be normal, because there are people with Dandy Walker that were never diagnosed or the most sever would be that she would have to rely totally on us. This was all so much to hear. We cried. I thought horrible thoughts that I know now were normal feelings given the situation, but none the less I felt like the most horrible mother for thinking. I cried at every thought that entered my head. I wasn't sure what to pray. Should I pray Lord take her as soon as she is born so she doesn't have to live a life of not knowing us and how much her family loves her. She would never marry. Would she be able to love us and wrap her arms around my neck. Our life would be forever changed. Should I pray Lord let us have her no matter what, I want her, she is our daughter. So many emotions not knowing how to sort through them all. Feeling guilty for thinking those thoughts. I felt selfish. I wanted my daughter to be healthy and normal. I wanted her to experience my love that I wanted so much to give her. I wanted to yell out to the Lord, you tell me how to feel!

We met with the doctor in another room to discuss Dandy Walker and what we were looking at. In normal children the fluid area in the brain measures between 9 and 10mm, Lexi's is measuring an 11mm. Doesn't seem like a big difference maybe there's hope. Also on the ultrasound Lexi look completely normal. No abnormalities of her face, hands, feet, no spinal bifida. She is missing her vermix and the 4th ventrical has fluid. He went on to say that Dandy Walker children sometimes don't make it to term but there was a chance she might. We were given some hope. We did hold out hope that she would make it to term and be delivered totally healthy and normal. We were praying for healing. The doctor has delivered all of our children except our first so we have grown very close to him. He was very sorry and humble in talking with us. He referred us over to the main hospital to have a more in depth ultrasound. I am so thankful we were able to get right in and not have to wait days. Once there we were seen right away. The ultrasound took about an hour and a half. So many pictures and measurements. We did have our children with us to find out what gender we were having. I tried to hold it together for them, but they knew something was wrong just not sure what. We had a dear friend come pick them up from our doctor. They love playing with her children and just think they are awesome so I knew that would keep their mind clear and off of what just happened. I will forever be grateful for them.

I loved seeing our daughter for that long on ultrasound. Just watching her flip and kick. All was super quiet. I sat there playing the words of the previous doctor in my head. After the ultrasound we went to a conference room where we waited for a specialized genetic doctor to come in and tell us what he gathered from the ultrasound pictures.

We didn't have to wait long. When he entered he had a very somber and concerned look on his face. We weren't sure what he was about to say. He said our baby girl was measuring two weeks smaller than her gestational age of 18 weeks which concerned him. He said this isn't looking good. He was extremely sincere. He then went on to say that most likely we were dealing with chromosomal abnormalities but we wouldn't know for sure unless we allowed them to do an amniocentesis. It was left up to us but it would help them determine a course of treatment once she was born if she made it to term. We had never really been keen on amnio's because we knew without a doubt we were NOT terminating our pregnancy. The only reason we decided to was because they mentioned it could help them determine there course of action when she was born. Anything to help our little girl. So I was prepped for the amnio which didn't take long. I was very nervous because emotionally I was thinking of the risks of the amnio to her and what she might be going through. A lot of emotions, I love her, hate I have to be doing this instead of rejoicing in the fact we are having another baby girl. The joy of pregnancy was gone and was replaced with so much fear, anxiousness, doubt. I wanted so much to have joy, faith, happiness even in the midst of this terrible news. I tried to stay strong because for some reason, if I didn't then it meant I didn't have faith that God could heal her. After the amnio I just sat there on the table and cried tears of helplessness. I felt so alone from God. I was believing lies the devil wanted me to believe. My sweet hubby was there the entire time holding me. I couldn't have gotten through it without him. He truly is my life.

Once all was done, we knew that the preliminary results would come back fairly soon so we waited.....

the beginning...

So this is our journey with Lexi. We found out we were expecting on April 7, 2013. We were so excited, baby #5. Our children at the time were 9, 6, 5, 3. Two older children are boys and the two younger are girls. When baby was to arrive they would each be a year oder, 10, 7, 6, 4. My due date is set for December 11, 2013. We talked with our little ones and they were so excited. They had been asking for a while for another brother or sister. We just had to decide if we were ready! We called our families and told them the news. Everyone was so excited. I think by now everyone kinda knows that if we call don't be surprised if you hear the words, we are expecting again. From the beginning I wasn't sick which was different from my others. I was horribly sick with all of them except our third, just very emotional with her. Not a big deal every pregnancy can be so different. We were just happy to be bringing another sweet baby home. I thought about everything like a mother thinks, I didn't care it was our fifth, felt like our first. We had an ectopic pregnancy after our first a few years back so after we find out we are expecting, my doctor always wants to see us fairly soon to rule that out again because that can be very dangerous if undetected in the beginning. We went in at 5 weeks. I was a little nervous, I think that is to be expected whether this is your first or tenth. When we saw the ultrasound on screen, there was our sweet baby, heart beating as beautiful as ever. So tiny, hardly there, but there she was. We praised God. We came home showed the kids the ultrasound picture, took pictures of them holding the picture and just rejoiced in our sweet news. Every week things were going great. Feeling great! We went to the doctor for our OB work up when I was almost 11 weeks. They detected the heartbeat and it was a strong 160. I was relieved and so excited to hear that sweet heartbeat. Everything was good.