I found myself over the weekend cleaning the house and cleaning the car out. I stopped and thought these are things we do before our due date so we will have everything ready and perfect for when we bring our sweet baby home. Things are different with Lexi. I thought I was crazy, why am I doing this, for what?
Maybe there is a chance we might bring Lexi home. I don't know with all the results against us, we have God fighting for us. His plan, while I don't know what it is would love to believe that it's bringing Lexi home. I think about what our little Lexi would look like at our 3 year olds age, brown haired or blonde haired, feisty or calm in nature. Doesn't matter I know what I long for is her little arms around my neck just like my other 4 have done. In the first days after finding out her condition I would look at our other little ones and think why oh why can't her little heart and brain form perfectly. Then there's Triploidy so much more than that. There is not a moments peace.
I stare at the tiny little gown that we bought for her after we found out that she was a little girl. It hangs on my dresser right beside my bed where her bassinet was suppose to eventually be. I could of never imagined this for us, but this is where we are and how hard is it to believe. Everyday I feel like I am in a fog not part of the world. How crazy does that sound? It's so hard to be a part of it when I feel so emotionally drained and sad. I know it will get better with time. Labor, delivery, due date, birthday, those will be difficult. We are blessed to have a God that gave His Son for us, people that despised and hated His Son. I feel so unworthy to feel sad. I am so glad that we were chosen to be Lexi's parents, she was meant for us and we were meant for her. We are her family and she is our daughter. I think what's so hard to think about is how every parent brags on their children, when you get together with others it's so easy to talk hours about your children. I want so badly for everyone to know Lexi even more for her brothers and sisters to know her, to love her.
We love her more than she knows. Praying for healing.
