After Lexi, I knew I wanted another baby just wasn't sure if I could try it again. I had so much fear...the what if's consumed me. So I began to pray whatever the Lord wanted. He knew my heart and I just wanted what He wanted and I needed to trust Him. I prayed to have peace if He chose for us not to have anymore children and I prayed that if He did I was going to need peace for that too! One thing that really spoke to me was during the praying process, we went to church that Sunday and our worship band sang Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture. The lyrics include, "there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning". This was a song that really spoke to me throughout our journey with Lexi and has remained with me. There are a few others but this was one of my favorites. I really felt like the Lord was reassuring me that everything would be okay.
I chose then to let faith lead me not fear.
Now fear did set in when we became pregnant.
It was really hard for me to announce our pregnancy and I debated on whether to or not. I am already showing and have been for a few weeks but was able to hide it. Not so much anymore. I know when we were in the midst of our journey, it was so difficult to see others posting blessings of healthy babies. I questioned why I was't being blessed. I questioned why I had this happening. I prayed the Lord would help me to see past the pain and I realized everyone has a story. Somewhere in a person's life there is tragedy and sadness. I was only seeing a portion and the devil was wanting me to feel sorry for myself based on that. I had so many people reach out to me and share their stories of loss that I had no idea. So know we have had struggle, doubt, sadness, pain and my joy is finally here. I praise God for the struggle, I really do, I found Him in a way I have never seen and felt Him. I realize nothing is in my control.. and my life is His and so are my kids. That was my blessing during that time. I hope our story can be a blessing for others during their time of struggle.
Where are we today..
We are 17 weeks along and had a perfect ultrasound. She was beautiful. I honestly thought we were having a boy! I didn't care if we were having a boy or a girl as long as they were healthy. I was praying for complete health. I praise God for our new little blessing coming soon. This pregnancy wasn't without worry or fear. I have really had to pray. I have realized after losing a baby a few things. Don't beat yourself up for not planning for the future. As hard as I tried it was very difficult to plan for our future with our new baby. I found myself very early on saying, "if we have this baby." How awful does that sound. Also, it was hard for me to find joy for fear of losing my joy. I tried to get excited but would hold back. I didn't want to tell anyone because I feared we might lose our baby. I feel much better and breathed a sigh of relief at our last ultrasound and everything looked great. I know very well bad things can happen at any point in a pregnancy but I am claiming a healthy pregnancy and baby. I have found my joy in the morning.
I appreciate all prayers!!
