a new day

Yesterday, I woke up feeling so different than I have been feeling since we received the news about Lexi over a week ago. Still can't believe it's all happening. Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry once. I felt like Lexi would be okay. Does that mean I believe I will carry her to term and she be what we expect, not sure of anything. I do know if that happens, oh wow, how wonderful that would be, but the peace I felt was what ever the outcome Lexi will be okay, we will be okay as a family. It's hard for me to express certain feelings right now because I do want to hold on to our faith that she can be healed, but at the same time I know what the doctors say about Triploidy. I haven't been sleeping well at night, last night was the first night I was able to sleep. On Wednesday, I was able to nap during the day from 11:30 until 4 in the afternoon. I had no problems falling asleep that night at 10:00. I forget that with the news of her condition I am still 20 weeks pregnant and Lexi is still growing inside.

I am not sure if I mentioned much about the Dandy Walker syndrome only because that was her first diagnosis before the amniocentesis and it seems like even my thoughts have been overshadowed by the Triploidy diagnosis. I know I talked about her condition with fluid but not the outcome as far as delivery for us. I have to be monitored by ultrasound to make sure she isn't developing hydrocephaly. That's where the fluid continues to build on her brain causing her skull to expand in the womb. The fluid can continue to build because there is no way for it to recycle like in a normal brain since she has cyst like area by the 4th ventricle. They can't tell by ultrasound if there is any filtering a little or none. If that happens to a certain extent then I will have to have a c-section because Lexi's head will be too big to deliver. That terrifies me. Before I had kids I would have hoped for a c-section, not knowing how complicated those could get, I was just afraid of delivering a baby. Now that I have delivered all of our little ones the thought of a c-section scares me. I guess the unknown and unfamiliarity of it all. I know both are delivering your child just different ways. We will just have to see which way things go. Please keep us in your prayers about that. I am also terrified that I may have a doctor that doesn't know the full extent of our situation. I know they talk and read our charts, but the fear is still there. I guess because when I went to the doctor to hear Lexi's heartbeat nothing was really mentioned about Dandy Walker and the affects that could have on our delivery. The only thing written on my chart for diagnosis when I was leaving was Triploidy. So I have to be sure when I go back next week that is discussed.

There are so many things to discuss, seems like I think of something new each day. While the doctors are planning for a stillbirth or a baby that will not last long once born, I am thinking okay what if she is born for days or longer despite the diagnosis. They are thinking a shunt placed in her brain to relieve pressure isn't something we need to do because she will not make it anyway. I am thinking if she needs a shunt, go ahead and do it regardless of how long she has. It might help prolong her life and I will do anything even if it's for an extra second. I probably sound like I am rambling in most of these posts, but that's how my thoughts seem, a lot of ramblings. Thank you for your prayers.