no greater love

how can He have a greater love for her than me? That's not meant to be sarcastic in any way. I know how much love we have for her without even meeting her, but yet He as chosen a different path than we want and loves her way more than I ever could. hard to believe. Saying that doesn't mean we have given up hope, although I am preparing myself for the outcome the doctors have predicted. If God grants us a miracle as I know He can, then oh how amazed and happy we will be. I am hopeful for that. I want to be prepared for both.

Everyday I have new questions that may never get answered. Every night I fall asleep only to turn over and wake thinking about Lexi. Before when I turned over I thought I wonder what she is doing as I roll from one side to the next. Now I wake to the doctors words playing over and over in my head. I know God works miracles and the fact that I am still carrying her this long is one in itself. With Triploidy not to be mistaken with Trisomy, I know the outcome, but I know my God is bigger than Triploidy, bigger than the doctors. Do I still cry at the possible outcome, yes. My heart breaks every second of the day. I feel so weak, so unfaithful, so unbelieving. I keep thinking wow, wouldn't it be amazing if Lexi made it to term and survives longer than minutes, hours, days, months. The doctors would have no words and God's plan would be revealed, they didn't know everything. I wouldn't even struggle in the least thinking the amnio results were mistaken. I would believe the diagnosis was there but my God chose to heal. But the reality of it is with Triploidy, babies do not make it, as in the doctor's words, it's incompatible with life.

I also know my health is at risk but yet that's not on my mind at all. Yes, I have to be monitored weekly until we deliver and I want to be sure I am safe for my 4 other babies. we'll take it week by week. My concern is Lexi. I want so badly to hold her when she is born whole and precious. Isn't that what all mothers want from the moment we find out we are expecting just to touch that sweet baby that God formed inside of us for the first time. It's the best. I constantly think about holding her with her little head against my chest late at night while she sleeps like I did with the others, how I long to have time like that with her. Maybe we will have time with her, a lot of time, I don't know, only God knows. Only He knows the plan and we have to accept it. I know without a doubt He loves us and only wants what is best for us.

I will say through all of this I have never felt closer to my Savior and I would have never realized it until this. Isn't that strange. I have always had a close relationship with Him from the first day I was saved, but nothing like this. I see Him in a different way. I am totally vulnerable to Him. We are His in every sense. I guess I knew that to an extent but not like this. I don't even know if I am making sense. It's funny how we seem to never have the right amount of time to spend with Him, but when something comes and we need answers, help, deliverance, we find every second possible to pray to Him throughout the day. That's where I find myself. I don't want to get so busy I lose this precious time I have come to know with Him. I seriously want to see life through His eyes.