where to begin

Saturday, August 3, 2013, I gave birth at 21 weeks to our beautiful Lexi. I will share her birth story sooner than later only because I don't want to forget a single second of it.

I thought giving birth to her would be the hardest part and while that was long and hard, we had a wonderful support group of friends and family there to keep our minds busy the whole day. Leaving the hospital was by far the hardest and saddest time of my life. We left without Lexi. It tears me apart thinking about it, even to mention it.

When we saw Lexi for the first time I honestly was so happy to see her. Finally able to see this precious little face that every mother longs to see but has to wait until it's time. She was everything in that moment, perfect in every way. We wanted to take in all of her features. I could go on and on about how perfect she looked. She didn't look sick. She looked like our Lexi. Our lives will never be the same, but we will heal. Lexi will never be forgotten, she is our 5th child, our daughter, the kids sister. We have 2 boys and 3 girls. Not everyone will know that I know. They will only see 2 boys and 2 girls.

We have been busy everyday since, during the down times is when it's the hardest. When I sit and think I don't know what color her eyes were, hair color, personality and I had to leave the hospital empty handed. These are the hardest.

I still don't understand why this happened. I don't know that I ever will. I do know we love Lexi with all of our hearts, we already miss her tremendously. The only ones to ever really know how I feel are Stevie and God. God knows my heart and has heard my cry, believe me. Stevie knows me.

I thank God for the kids childlike faith and their simple thoughts. They know Lexi as their sister that is now in heaven. She is loved.