a week

well at 7:05 this evening made a week since I gave birth and our eyes were filled with the site of Lexi and our hearts filled with so much love all over again. We were in love from the moment we found out we were expecting again and even more in love when we finally were able to meet Lexi. I know she was only 5.5 ounces, but I could see her features so beautifully, ears, eyes, mouth, which even at 21 weeks her mouth looked like our other children. Today was good, I made sure to keep busy outside of the house. I find it especially hard to be at home when nothing is going on. That's when my mind seems to go back to the beginning of Lexi's diagnosis.

Tonight wasn't so good. Once home and settled with the kiddos, my mind began to go back...to the diagnosis, the labor, seeing Lexi for the first time, not hearing her sweet cry, hearing nothing, leaving the hospital without her, empty handed, arriving home without her, her funeral, so many thoughts...I began to question for the first time. I feel so weak, so unfaithful, so undeserving. I know God is just, He is perfect, His plan is perfect and our lives are not at this moment. Yes we have so much to be thankful for and we are. I am just having a hard time without Lexi here. I feel like she should be here and a week old. I wanted so bad to be able to caress her face in the middle of the night, to sing to her, just to know she knew my voice. These things haunt me. I know days will get better. They already have. I feel guilty for having a good day. I know Lexi would want us to have good days. She is happy I know without a doubt. I am thinking selfish thoughts as a mother. I want her, period.


I cannot believe it's been a week. Please pray peace for me and us as a family. God has given me peaceful days and I look forward to more.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.