battled

I can't believe it's almost been a year since posting anything to Lexi's site. While I have had things on my mind constantly, you know emotions run high from time to time. We haven't forgotten, like I said we never would. Her name still lingers on the lips of our little ones. They ask a lot of questions. Some, I will admit, seem so complex for their little minds to even think. So I try to answer with the best answer a grieving mom can. When sometimes I just want to cry and turn away instead I stay and answer very delicately. I choose my words wisely with the the constant thought that however I answer I want to be sure that I don't ruin their faith in God. I don't want them to doubt Him. I want them to know that even in the worse of times He is there. He is our rock and He only wants whats best for us even if we question. I questioned.

I had so many emotions during and after our journey with Lexi that I doubted God. My faith was shaken. I never thought that could happen to me. Over a year later and I still have to choke back tears remembering how defeated I felt. But I am here to say God fought for me and my doubt was defeated. I will explain...

When we first heard of news of Lexi, my emotions were on a high meaning I was so helpless all I knew I had in me was prayer. I drew so close to God. Honestly I know I have been close to Him, but I had never known that closeness. I felt Him with every prayer. Even though I held out hope I was prepared for losing her. I had a peace that only He can give. Believe me I want her now, miss her everyday and the thoughts of the whole situation haunt me. It was the worse time of my life. Then, a few months after we lost her I felt myself doubting God's promises. I felt guilty for my feelings because I knew He was disappointed in me for having those feelings. I was struggling. The devil was slowly allowing doubts creep in. It wasn't until a few months ago I had to let those feelings go and realize I wasn't being punished. He does love me. I still don't understand why and I honestly don't think I ever will. I know she was sick and I definitely wouldn't want her to suffer here. I hate that she had to be sick. I am healing. It seems like it was so long ago. We visit her often and I am so glad that we can do that.

I hope that if nothing else this little blog helps other that are in the process or that have lost their sweet babies. You do get better. It doesn't mean you forget because you never will. It means you slowly heal and find peace and happiness again. I am thankful for the journey.