Lexi's headstone came in on my birthday, August 30. It was bittersweet. I was so excited to have it there and complete, but at the same time, it was a sign that everything was done, it was final.
So many want to know how I am doing so here goes...I have to say I don't expect anyone to fully understand. Nothing and I mean nothing has changed. We all miss Lexi. I can't even type those words without choking back tears. Every time I am up here ready to blog my emotions, I can't help but cry. Everything reminds me of when I was pregnant, everything reminds me of her. I looked in my calendar the other day and saw 29 weeks. Every Wednesday I was a week further along. I see previous texts from friends when we first found out that I am so glad I have, but brings so much emotion with it. I see pictures and video on my phone from the day we found out what we were having not knowing what were were about to introduced to minutes later, in the video you hear laughing, joy, talks about how she was moving and how great it was to be experiencing another sweet baby only to find out minutes later our worse fears. I was vacuuming Camden's room the other day thinking we would be preparing this room for Lexi. The boys already pretty much share a room so it was only logical to make it official once she arrived. So honestly it's the craziest little things. From the moment I found out I fell in love, making plans so it makes sense that so much reminds me of her and only more that I miss carrying her.
The kids still thank God for her during prayer. So thankful for them and their innocence. I break without any notice. Cry uncontrollably. I have to say when people ask, I say I'm doing great and I am except when it comes to missing Lexi.
I am dealing. I know most people say time heals but I don't know if time heals, I know God gives a peace, an understanding to help me accept our situation because I have no other choice. Do I want to accept it, not at all. I would choose to have her back in a second if I could. I still give God the glory, He makes no mistakes and I trust that.
So that's it... I am coping, but not at all healing. I am broken hearted because I will forever want Lexi.
did you notice karis in her night nights? :) so sweet. i pray for you often, i know its hard and you will never not miss her. but i do think with time you will find a peace.. you will have life here without her but ultimately you will forever have lexi after this life. not sure if that makes sense :-\ - shes loved and so are you. Hang in there!
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