continuing...

Amazing what little signs the Lord gives you in times like these. Everyday since finding out about Lexi there is not a moments peace. I think about it constantly from the moment she was first diagnosed with Dandy Walker syndrome to the moment we were told to prepare to go into labor anytime or if Lexi made it to term be prepared for a stillborn baby. I have played the voices of all the congratulations in my head. The kids asking for a sibling long before we decided to try again. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time. Seeing Lexi's sweet profile that is so perfect and thinking there's usually so many problems with children with Triploidy. She has no other problems. Her heart does have fluid, her brain has fluid, she has 69 chromosomes, while that sounds like a lot, usually there are so many other symptoms. The crying has ceased to a degree. I want to feel normal emotionally. Some people I know think I am crazy to want to carry her for as long as possible, but that's what I desire and until you have walked these shoes there's no way anyone would understand. We wait for another appointment this week to see if her heart still beats, if so we continue on this journey for as long as the Lord desires. If not, I will be induced unless I go into labor on my own before. So every week I anticipate what's going to happen. Emotions are high, still not as high as I know they will be when I am actively in labor knowing the outcome. Today while I was folding clothes our 3 year old finds her favorite outfit and puts it on, she was so excited it was clean. She reached in her pocket only to pull out a little white piece of paper that looked like it was washed time and time again but the writing remained. I took it from her to read. Here is the scripture, it was two sided.... "Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am." Isaiah 58:9 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth thee." Isaiah 26:3 I felt the Lord and cried with so much emotion and confusion. These verses gave me peace for today.