This photo was one of our first when we found out we were expecting. I was 6 weeks.
Monday, July 15, 2013, we went in for a routine ultrasound and to find out what the gender of our baby was. At this point I am 18 weeks. Let me first say that for a few months I had been telling my husband that something just didn't feel right. Not sure what. I didn't mention this to any one else because honestly you want to believe for the best. I passed those feelings off but prior to our appointment, many times I thought about calling the doctor to see if my appointment could be moved up. I thought to myself if they were to ask why, well I was just worried. I guess I felt like they would think I was crazy when there were no signs of anything to be worried about. So I waited until the original date.
So on Monday the ultrasound technician called us back. I was immediately looking for the heartbeat. There it was so beautiful and precious. Beating away. We were able to hear it and it sounded just as beautiful as it looked. AS far as our family predictions, my 10, 7, and 5 year old were guessing boy, 3 yr. old and my husband and I were guessing girl. We decided girl only because few weeks prior I had started getting super emotional. Just like when I was expecting our third child, a girl. Just one of those things where there is no way to determine but for fun you go off of all your previous pregnancies to make a guess.
The baby was so bent like in half with her knee up to her head, the ultrasound tech kept saying the baby is so bent and won't move so we can see what the gender is. Finally after poking around we see those three little lines. The baby is a girl! We were overjoyed that another little girl would enter our family. We really didn't care boy or girl, we were just excited for another baby. I told my husband we were going to have three weddings to plan. whew, what a thought! The technician then said she was going to get the doctor and take a break to see if we could get better images of her. You know at this point in your pregnancy they check and measure everything, the heart, brain, cord, fingers, toes, everything. She came in with the doctor and proceeded to do the ultrasound again. A very eery quiet set in. I just stared at the screen looking at our sweet baby girl thinking this silence can't be good. I noticed they were focusing on her brain. The doctor broke the silence with the news that this is what I am seeing, your baby has what we call Dandy Walker syndrome. You guys reading the blog can search that or just go to the tab at the top of the page that describes this condition.
We were told that the severity of Dandy Walker just depends and we wouldn't know until she was born and we started to see certain delays. Pretty much she could be normal, because there are people with Dandy Walker that were never diagnosed or the most sever would be that she would have to rely totally on us. This was all so much to hear. We cried. I thought horrible thoughts that I know now were normal feelings given the situation, but none the less I felt like the most horrible mother for thinking. I cried at every thought that entered my head. I wasn't sure what to pray. Should I pray Lord take her as soon as she is born so she doesn't have to live a life of not knowing us and how much her family loves her. She would never marry. Would she be able to love us and wrap her arms around my neck. Our life would be forever changed. Should I pray Lord let us have her no matter what, I want her, she is our daughter. So many emotions not knowing how to sort through them all. Feeling guilty for thinking those thoughts. I felt selfish. I wanted my daughter to be healthy and normal. I wanted her to experience my love that I wanted so much to give her. I wanted to yell out to the Lord, you tell me how to feel!
We met with the doctor in another room to discuss Dandy Walker and what we were looking at. In normal children the fluid area in the brain measures between 9 and 10mm, Lexi's is measuring an 11mm. Doesn't seem like a big difference maybe there's hope. Also on the ultrasound Lexi look completely normal. No abnormalities of her face, hands, feet, no spinal bifida. She is missing her vermix and the 4th ventrical has fluid. He went on to say that Dandy Walker children sometimes don't make it to term but there was a chance she might. We were given some hope. We did hold out hope that she would make it to term and be delivered totally healthy and normal. We were praying for healing. The doctor has delivered all of our children except our first so we have grown very close to him. He was very sorry and humble in talking with us. He referred us over to the main hospital to have a more in depth ultrasound. I am so thankful we were able to get right in and not have to wait days. Once there we were seen right away. The ultrasound took about an hour and a half. So many pictures and measurements. We did have our children with us to find out what gender we were having. I tried to hold it together for them, but they knew something was wrong just not sure what. We had a dear friend come pick them up from our doctor. They love playing with her children and just think they are awesome so I knew that would keep their mind clear and off of what just happened. I will forever be grateful for them.
I loved seeing our daughter for that long on ultrasound. Just watching her flip and kick. All was super quiet. I sat there playing the words of the previous doctor in my head. After the ultrasound we went to a conference room where we waited for a specialized genetic doctor to come in and tell us what he gathered from the ultrasound pictures.
We didn't have to wait long. When he entered he had a very somber and concerned look on his face. We weren't sure what he was about to say. He said our baby girl was measuring two weeks smaller than her gestational age of 18 weeks which concerned him. He said this isn't looking good. He was extremely sincere. He then went on to say that most likely we were dealing with chromosomal abnormalities but we wouldn't know for sure unless we allowed them to do an amniocentesis. It was left up to us but it would help them determine a course of treatment once she was born if she made it to term. We had never really been keen on amnio's because we knew without a doubt we were NOT terminating our pregnancy. The only reason we decided to was because they mentioned it could help them determine there course of action when she was born. Anything to help our little girl. So I was prepped for the amnio which didn't take long. I was very nervous because emotionally I was thinking of the risks of the amnio to her and what she might be going through. A lot of emotions, I love her, hate I have to be doing this instead of rejoicing in the fact we are having another baby girl. The joy of pregnancy was gone and was replaced with so much fear, anxiousness, doubt. I wanted so much to have joy, faith, happiness even in the midst of this terrible news. I tried to stay strong because for some reason, if I didn't then it meant I didn't have faith that God could heal her. After the amnio I just sat there on the table and cried tears of helplessness. I felt so alone from God. I was believing lies the devil wanted me to believe. My sweet hubby was there the entire time holding me. I couldn't have gotten through it without him. He truly is my life.
Once all was done, we knew that the preliminary results would come back fairly soon so we waited.....
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